How to be happy being single

Exercise DUH! Go out with your friends...DUUUUUHHH! Never google 'how to be happy being single' because no article will give you better advises than the usual feel-good crap. I know I should hit the gym and be with my friends and I do that, too, but how about the evenings? My friends have a life too. And what I want is to cuddle with a cutie and go to the beach and have grilled fish with French fries and side salad and walk on the boulevard and take the tram back and make out all the way (this actually never happened) and then make out on his couch (which I'm not gonna set on fire despite the common belief) and then make the way to his bed and sleep with him and wake up next to him and then stare at the beautiful bell tower where they switch the lights off at 3 am and switch back on at 6. And you simple can't do this with a friend or alone. These specific events can only be done with one certain gentleman anyways, but too late for that I'm afraid.

He wants to be friends. I mean I am fine with that as long as we do couple-y things and make out in public and have sex on a regular base. But I suppose that is not the kind of friendship he imagined, and as Samantha once told Miranda when she said they were just friends with Steve: "We are just friends. I don't put my dick in you." So friendship is no option.

So fuck this shit.

I miss him.

Don't die on me

I've always had this strange fear that the guys I was dating would suddenly die and would never call me again. It would be a really hostile situation: would I attend his funeral? What would I tell his parents when they asked me how I had known their son? Well, we went out four times already and slept together once. I'm cherishing nice memories of his face in the dim lit cinema while watching frames of "Let's Be Cops" reflecting in his gorgeous green eyes.

Marta (not Stewart) [notice the lack of 'h']

After Scotsman not answering my text for almost 24 hours (okay, he is right, it was more like 16) but then invited me over for a little late night special I got furious. I just finished dinner at my friend's place (jeeeeesus, melted Camembert is so effing good) and was watching Holland's Got Talent when he decided he didn't want to go out and wanted me to come over instead. I was furious, but I wanted to go so I made my way till his place in the pouring rain, brought some wine that has never been opened during the night (not that I needed any more, I was comfortably tipsy and swearing in Hungarian on my way there) and pushed it into his hands saying "Put it in the fridge!" instead of kissing him. Classy, I know.

He got it. Something was wrong. It was not the wine talking, but the it definitely helped me, so I confronted him finally. It is not okay to ignore someone's text. If you want something casual and see other people than please do so, but stop seeing me. I know I looked and sounded like a crazy person, but he listened. He said sorry. He said he has never really showed his emotions openly. And he agrees that texting after 24 hours (all right, 16!) is wrong so he'll change that. The next morning I made sure he knew I meant every word despite the wine.

But I just don't trust him, I can't. Also, Marta texted him in the morning (once you start to check other people's phone you'll find it hard to stop) hoping he did not get lost (I wonder what lie he told her) and saying it was way too hot to do anything where she was. That is definitely not Holland coz I'm feeling kinda cold under the duvet.*

He made me breakfast, but cereals and yogurt don't make me trust him.

Whatevs. I'm meeting Dutchman tonight.

* That's a word he taught me.

Confrontation gone awry

I was determined: Tonight I am going to confront gentle kisser Scotsman about his lousy texting habits. I am going to tell him to step up his game or let's forget the whole thing all together, because I need the attention and I go cray cray when I don't get it.

I got there, he kissed me, I simply could not bring myself to say the words. I also wanted to ask him about us, but I could not, I didn't dare to. I tried the trick learnt from David Rosen: ('It is good' 'What is good?' 'Us. This is good.'). He agreed, but that was it. He hugged me, he held me so tight. I just did not wan to ruin it with stupid overly attached questions. So we slept, he left to work and I went all 'SATC The Freak Show' in his place. Checked for stuff that possibly belong to a female in the bathroom, the number of dishes washed in the kitchen and lost underwear in the bedroom. Did not find anything. Counted the condoms, 9 pieces left in a box of twelve. All good. (Unless he had sex with 12 other times in the meanwhile and it's a new box.)

Made the bed, washed the dishes we used for dinner and left. He hasn't texted since.

Cray cray.

Horoscopes and Tinder

I heard that the horoscopes on Elle.com are hauntingly accurate. I have always been a skeptic, most of the time I just wished what they were telling would come true as I was promised to find the one every other week. But today, today I have had a different experience:

Not every Tinder date or casual crush has to evolve into a lifelong love affair. 

This sentence is everything. This sentence is exactly what I needed, this sentence is what my thoughts have been lately, this sentence makes me feel good about myself and a bit better about those bunch of losers I came across on Tinder. I do not know how the writer of this horoscope knew not only that I am on Tinder, but that I have met a guy the same night I downloaded the app, met him in person the day after and been crazy about him ever since. Everyone, meet Gentle Kisser Scotsman who is - not surprisingly - a little bit of an asshole. (if you read it, GKS, I am sorry, but you really are. Read on.)

 I have known him for 3 weeks now, had 4 dreamy dates and obsessed about him all the time. The thing is, he is just not that into me. It is harsh and hard to admit, but that's just how it is. HE IS NOT THAT INTO ME. He texts, but then he does not for days. He meets me and says things like he had good fun and he is glad I spent the evening with him and he asks for reassurance that we would meet again soon, but then he just disappears, no texts.

Not to me at least. Because the WhatsApp stalker I am, I religiously check when he was last online and he is online a LOT. And I know it for a fact that he is not talking to his mum or his friends all the time. Okay, I do not know it for a fact, but my guts tell me and Olivia Pope's guts are never wrong. (The fact that I am not Olivia Pope because I could never pull flared pants off like she does is beside the point) And when I am so miserable that I cannot contain myself anymore I text him and he just acts like nothing happened. And then if I wait long enough (like 5 days) he texts again. Like it's totally acceptable to not text for 5 days and then text like nothing happened. No, Gentle Kisser Scotsman, it is not okay!

Let me tell you something, I HATE to text a guy first in this early period. I think a guy should do it and do it often. I am not saying all day or not even every single day but an occasional good morning or how was you day would not hurt. It would make me feel wanted and the attention.

So here I am, obsessing about a guy who has me behaving like an eager schoolgirl, getting a message from the universe that he probably isn't the love of my life.

But I like him so much.

Adventurous, are ya?

I've always thought of myself as a spontaneous, adventurous girl. The one who wakes up in a Saturday morning and decides to visit Paris for the weekend, let's say. The one who goes travelling and loves to leave the beaten track behind and to explore little streets, climb up hills to visit long-forgotten castle ruins and have a chicken burger purchased and consumed on the street. The real fun-loving, easy-going, low maintenance girlfriend material.

Well, the thing is I am not sure that I am this girl at all anymore. First off, I never wake up early on a Saturday morning. Ever. If I do it is because I had one too many drink the night before and I can never sleep long with a hangover. If I have to wake up early on a Saturday morning for some reason, I am totally miserable and think that life is just unfair. So by the time I normally wake up on Saturday mornings, it is too late to go to Paris, even if the Thalys would get me there in less than 3 hours.

The chicken burger is fine, but I would love to try the local specialty in that fancy sea-view restaurant with beautiful white leather chairs and waiters in a penguin suit. The little streets are okay if am in sensible footwear, but I would much rather go home to have a shower and prepare for the fancy restaurant than walk up to the castle. It is so nice from down here, isn't it darling?

So, yeah, maybe I am not the adventurous, fun-loving girl you wish to go backpacking with through Asia. Europe, maybe, but only if we stay in private rooms instead of hostels. Listen to me, sista here ain't gonna share a dorm with 15 sweaty, overly enthusiastic menstruating female backpackers. (Sometimes you only know that they are girls because they happen to be menstruating and won't miss a chance to share their misery with the rest of the world). Sista here wants to have some private one-on-one time with her boyishly handsome travelling partner, because that is the reason why we go travelling together on the first place, isn't it? To have sex all around Europe.

Now the realization came as a shock to me. I am probably not the dream of many guys my age who are finishing their degree and dreaming about the aforementioned backpacking trips. I need someone who loves comfortable adventure, meaning clean hotel rooms, fine dining (or at least proper dining) and shopping breaks. I am by no means high-maintenance, I don't want Ritz Hilton. I just want to feel comfortable, and I am sorry to say, but that cannot be fit into a backpack.

Happy

Although I do want to date in the near future and meet some cuties (via Tinder) to keep this blog running, I have decided to focus on myself for a little while and find happiness inside me instead of expecting happiness from someone/something else: a new pair of shoes or a gentle kisser Scotsman. Speaking merely hypothetically right now. (Tho he could use a little more tongue) (Geee' girl, happiness inside you, not in someone else's mouth!!)

These are the steps I am going to take towards self-actualization and finding happiness:

1. Stop buying any more clothes/shoes/bags/accessories. You might feel like you need them,  (because I do, I do need a new chunky sweater, and a bucket bag would be nice so when I go out I still can look fancy but carry some comfy shoes with me) but you really don't. I am just moving out from my old place, and oh my, do I have too much stuff? It hurts to get rid of some of my old pieces, because somewhere deep I still love them but I just don't wear them anymore and won't have a space to store it meaning they have to go. This could have been easily prevented by not buying all the things I liked in the past, but I did, so now for a little while Imma stop shopping. (It already hurts)

2. Spend a lot of quality time with friends and don't dump them for a guy. A guy can wait. A guy most probably is chatting with someone else on Whatsapp (well, how else would you explain him being online so much? HOW? You don't talk that often to your friends or mother. It must be a love interest. Ah, I sound so pathetic.) so he won't get offended if you meet your friends one night instead. Friends, on the other hand, get offended if you dump them for some random guy, so don't do it. Despite common belief, friends are a girls best friend.

3. Reflect. On your day, on your week, on a certain period. Every night or every other night spend a little time on reflecting on your life: what did you enjoy, what made you happy, what made you frustrated and what do you want in the future. It helps in seeing the sunny side and keeps you sane.

4. Do stuff that you are supposed to do and do them well. Finish pending school assignments, start your thesis research and show up for classes. No excuses, just do it already!

5. Communicate. And communicate clearly. Always text if you cannot make it, let them know what you are doing. Be trustworthy and responsible. This way you avoid a lot of inner frustration.

6. Embrace the ups and accept the downs. There will always be crap days. Don't beat up yourself, you are not supposed to be cheerful 24/7. It's okay. "The best way to prepare for the future is to take care of the present. Goodbyes will always hurt a little. Photographs can never replace the act of being there. Memories, good and bad, will sometimes bring tears. And words can never perfectly describe the feelings they represent. But that's OK." (via Marc and Angel Hack Life)

Pants

I totally forgot how dating works anymore. After all, I haven't practiced in the past 4 years. So getting back out there made me realize I do not even know when it's right to have sex for the first time. As usual, I googled it and I came across the 3-date-rule and the 5-date-rule and I remembered Charlotte's 10-date-rule. I guess the truth lies somewhere between the three rules, but it's for sure that you have to try on the pants before you buy them. If you know what I mean.

I'm not saying you have to try them on three times or sleep at the store, but if it happens, it happens. Just make sure NOT to want the pants too much that might fit you well, but aren't completely comfortable. And remember, leggings are no pants.

Best First Dates

Well the thing is I went out with this guy last Saturday and we are supposed to go out tomorrow as well (I hope I am not going to be stood up) but that’s not the reason why I came here today to write. I can rant any other day, but I do not have valid post ideas every day. So I have created a mental list in my little naughty head (that’s what a guy told me on Tinder. ha.) about my best dates and actually I have had some pretty great dates in the past.

3. The Bronze-medal goes to the guy who I think I dated first or like early on when I reached a dating appropriate age. Well I think the date went pretty well but he never actually wanted to meet me again so I cried for like a month afterwords. The asshole! And I am even giving him a medal... Well, probably it is because it was in that sweet teenage love affair phase and the memory is just so nice. So we met in Szeged and then we went to a beer festival and I met some of his friends, and he complemented my outfit (I remember till present day I wore an off-red tank top that now I use to the gym when all my proper gym clothes are in the wash and baggy denim shorts.) I don’t actually remember more than that, I am not sure whether we kissed or not… But it was nice anyways, it was a sunny August day and my parents were away on holiday and I was just ecstatic that a guy whom I met in a club on a Saturday evening asked me out. Oh, and we also had a whole day conversation going on on MSN Messanger. Crazy, I know.

2. And the silver goes to…the guy who ruined the first 2 months of my Holland-experience, Robi. So our first date was on a particularly hot evening in July when my parents had some friends visiting so I was with them till a certain hour and then I would sneak out to meet this guy. It wasn't actually 'sneaking out' because they knew that I had gone out. On the other hand, I did have some extra kupica pálinka (shots of brandy) because I knew that the guy would come to meet me directly from a party and I did not want to be sober alone coz that’s no fun. It’s actually pretty uncomfortable. As a result I was comfortably tipsy and I met up with this guy and he came without a t-shirt on and we had a lots of fun and had some crazy tipsy conversations going on. And we even ran for God knows what reason. We definitely kissed and it was just a sweet, sweet night.

1. All right, no surprise here, the golden medal goes to…drum rolls…the policeman of my heart. [asshole] We went to the local thermal bath and the air just shizzled between us (it was a warm, but not hot late August day, just to stick to the trend of mentioning the time of the year). He pulled me closer to him, we hid in the inside pools where basically no one can see you (We did not have sex. We didn’t even make out. But we were véry close to each other) and I even met his friends there meaning he was not hiding me at all. The ending was a bit weird (well, okay then, see you soon I guess, bye) and we didn’t even make out, but still it was just such a beautiful date and he was just paying so much attention to me (not once he payed that much attention to me ever since, right now for example he dates a relative of mine, the asshole) and he actually texted me a day or two afterwords, so it was fine. (well he texted me to tell me that he didn't want to date me, but if I wanna have sex that is okay by him. See, I told ya, the guy is an asshole)

Picture source: Pinterest